Holy what an emo title eh? Usually I would start with a paragraph that has nothing to do with my story, but since this is a very special topic for me, I would like to add a certain gravity to the subject. Make it feel more so than usual. I'm talking about my jump into depression. Probably the scariest trip I've ever taken and it was a long one. I've looked back from time to time seeing where I've gone wrong in my travels, trying to answer every question I could possibly muster. I just can't. Not that I won't, but some answers are just best left riddles because that way I know that there is more to my life than open doorways. There is always pain and suffering in our lifetimes, whether we like it or not. It can be as inviting as a warm summer breeze, gently caressing your lips as it drains your life. It dwells in us, and lives off us. Everything you love means nothing when it hits, but that is all in fair game. You are the only one who can surpass all of the trials and tribulations that tragedy throws at you. When you finally achieve your escape, you will grasp appreciation. If not, you will experience hell as we know it.
Gloomy, yeesh. Really, though, as I'm not one for sadness and sorrow, this was a time where anything could have happened. I was weak, unable and stupid. I let my emotions drive me to places unknown, to people unheard of and to fears unwanted. I became everything I've lived against, the complete and utter opposite of me. I would vanish from prying eyes, hiding from the masses only to be cowering in a corner. My relationship ended, I am jobless without a career in mind. I knew not what to do with myself, only how to ask mundane questions like 'Why did she leave?' Heartbreak, as I knew it, was a bitch. A cold hearted, fire breathing cunt. Everything I did to ease the pain, made it worse. Every time I would think, it would be of her. Why the hell was I so weak minded? Why am I causing pain to myself over some broad? Was it love? Or the feeling of having been loved?
All I could do was think of her. All the pictures, gifts and things surrounding me, reminded me of her. The great times we spent all the times we fought. The times we shared laughs and the times we shed tears. The times we loved and the times we distanced ourselves. All of this was for naught because of one single day. I began to dispatch of every single item that linked to her, the typical 'breakup' routine. Throw out the stuff that had no more meaning, and keep the good stuff. Thing is, almost everything winded up in the garbage. As I began to tear up pictures, my eyes swelled up and burst into tears. 'It didn't have to be like this' I said to myself, trying to answer those questions once more. She broke my heart and that was that. I should have moved on and found joy in other things, now more open to the world. I should have had the time of my life, seeing as I wasn't tied down anymore. I didn't.
As time passed, and it did very slowly, I started to come out of my shell. I began to worry, to think of what would happen and what could be. What was I to become? My passion for culinary diminished, my love for writing passed me by and my daily video game routine - halted. Everything around me stopped as if time itself stood still. I was confused, not knowing what to do with myself. I was currently helping out my uncle once again at his video game store, in a shithole I would like to call Jane and Finch mall. I vowed never to return to him, because I hated it. I told myself that any job is better than this one, but still I needed money. No matter how much I moped around, I still came to realization that I needed cash. This was an easy way of getting it but I wasn't getting paid much at all. One things for certain, NEVER work with family. It's fucking terrible.
As time passed and my 'job' became dull, I started giving myself doubt. Started telling myself I wasn't going anywhere, and all those promises I've made to friends and family, would disappear. I always said that I was going to make something of myself, and not follow in my family's footsteps of just being 'content'. I love my family and I would give my life for them, but I know and they know that everyone has been an underachiever. No one followed their goal. No one stood up and fought for their passion, for their love. They were cast aside like everyone else, living a 'normal' life, working day to day only to live. I was tired of that and I thought that I fought for the right reasons. I lost that fight and became worthless. I began to drink heavily and go out more than usual. I began to feel things I never wanted to feel. I began to...think things I never wished I thought. I fell deeper into darkness and its cold dead hands took me by my throat and dragged me down. I thought the impossible, something never thought before. No matter how many times I was laughed at in school, bullied or beat up. No matter how many times girls would reject my date proposals, or when I would be turned down for a big job. No matter how many times teachers would call me a failure, that I would never become something and I was only good for a few laughs. None of those times, I would ever consider what I did - suicide.
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