Snap out of it buddy!

The wee hours of the morning. And here I am spending it by writing this dumb blog. Honestly. Lately, as many have noticed, I haven't been myself lately. In more ways than one. I feel as if my past self is slowly drifting away and this new, shittier self has taken me by the throat. It seems that I myself, cannot control what may be. What the fuck man, snap the shit out of it, is what I'd like to say. I find myself wanting. Wanting more than I could ever possibly offer. Everything needs a fair trade in value, whether it be purchases or simple friendships, it all comes down to what you can offer the other person. Can you offer comfort? Or do you bring distaste to the table. I'm a little in between. Not only am I crabby at times and could possibly be the most annoying shit ever, but I don't really have much else going for me besides my career, which hopefully is moving in the right direction. All this doubt in one paragraph is probably making you sick, especially coming from me, cocky ass Jean Paul. Well, I'm human too.



Seeing as I've been in relationships that have withered my soul drastically, and been with people that made me sick to my stomach, I've always been a loner. In more ways than one. I prefer solidarity. I don't like it when people interfere with my work, or home. I want to be kept alone, away from the hustle and bustle of the nights, away from the drunk retards roaming the streets, away from the noise. I'm boring like that. You could say that I'm also a retard. But this makes me content. I like to live my life the way I always did. Then again, do I really? I question myself, and turn this whole subject around to the sole fact that I am single. Why do I make it such a big deal, if I'm not willing to commit? Well, I am willing. I'm just afraid. I don't like to hear negativity, especially when I have too much of it already, and when worst comes to worst, I just back off. I can't confront a damn person because I've lost all faith in human kind. I'm a little torn if you will.

Ugh, I sound angsty. Teenager if you will. But hell if I don't say this then I'll just bottle it inside like I always do and do something stupid and regretful. Like kick a baby. I want to give more than I can take. I want people to enjoy my company and not think of me as this chubby guy who just pays for almost everything. I know people use me. I know people take my kindness for granted. I'm used to it. I've always been used to it. But it fucking sucks. Karma has never shone its head in my direction up until my cancer bout. I told karma to go fuck itself, because from here on out, it's solo. I don't need wishful thinking. I don't need pipe dreams. I just want to live my life, the way I want to. But fuck man, what the hell do I want? I ask this every single damn night. Somehow, I'll find an answer. Don't know when but when I do, I'll definitely tell you guys.

So as I sit here, sounding like I'm wallowing in my own despair, I realize a few things. I'm a chef. I lead a restaurant with amazing staff. I have a great family. My friends, are all right most of the time. Okay you guys are awesome. I'm fairly healthy aside from the gut, and I just survived fucking cancer. Eat my shit and die bitches. I always try and beat myself up, whenever it comes to finding this dirty ass thing called love. I put myself down saying that I have nothing to offer or the time to commit. I'm only lying to myself. But at the same time, I know what I want in a relationship. Child's play is not one of them. I don't need a party animal. I don't need someone who's cool. I don't need a friend. I want someone who understands that I have more important things to worry about than you getting drunk with your friends. I have people who need me more than you, especially if you're stuck at work and is too lazy to get home yourself. I need independence. But to get my independence, I also need a reliable, stable relationship.

Seriously, JP, snap the fuck out you sound like a chick. Well, fuck you, JP, I have emotions and they run like a mother fucker, especially since I'm so damn tired I'm talking in the third person. JP wants love. But he'll be damned if he's going to go searching. I need to find myself before I find a woman. If I can't solve the mystery that is JP, then I might as well find another damn body. I think too hard at night, and it sounds retarded. Seriously though, don't mind me, I'm just trying to live, trying to get by. I always get by. Hopefully some day I'll find someone to get by with. /end sap.