Hello dear readers. I have risen once again from my long slumber of which I call the 'working life'. I have slaved endlessly to make dues with bills, debts and hookers. Bitches be crazy. It's been some time since I sat down and wrote, about anything really. My mind has been elsewhere, wandering off into the unknown or known, waiting patiently for someone or something to grab hold of me. I don't know why its taken me so long to put thought onto the screen of my dusty ass computer, but it just has. There's so much I would love to spew all over your junk ( take it as you please ;) ) My life, my story has always been about others really, never once thinking about myself for long periods of time. I like that. Even though I get chewed up and spat out like some flavorless gum, I always wanted to make everyone feel wanted. Because when they were happy, I was happy. I always got to a point where I said, " No more.", but that's not me. I need that. Call it weak or pathetic, I was made this way. My parents raised me to be compassionate, and humble. They also taught me pride. And boy, I have a lot of that. However, some people know how to abuse that, and make me vulnerable. It's a twisted feeling at first, but maybe I've grown accustomed to it. Maybe I need that kick to the teeth to wake me up from false pride.
I've been cooking for some time now, honing whatever skills I possess and learning new ones that are passed to me. I'm a quick learner. Usually only need one example to practice with. Sometimes just seeing, I copy others, like I'm a mimic of another person. Everyone absorbs their surroundings somehow. I just knew how to do it well. I wish I could say the same for romance, but I can't. I'm a hopeless romantic, thinking that when I find the right person, they will think along the same lines as me, opening a world of pain, sorrow and trust. Things aren't so easy. I know how foolish I can be, how thick headed I am. I don't necessarily react on impulse, but a lot of my actions are solely based on instinct. I've hurt many people before, and I've gained lots of friendships. But there is always one, someone who wants neither but at the same time wants it all. It intrigues me because as someone who desperately seeks solace in others, this person seeks it within their self. I want to know more, but walls are put up to block me out. It's up to me how to tackle them down, because Jean Paul Mallah doesn't like walls. He would rather an open field, surrounded by comfort.
Everyone is looking for love, everyone seeks a companion; someone willing to shed a tear for them when need be. When it breaks down to a matter of science, it becomes futile. Nothing is easy, everything is permitted. Mistakes were made, but we move on. Not me. I try desperately to learn and tend to those mistakes, even if no one wills it. Its how I do, homie. Momma raised a boy, that wanted the world. I want to share my world with those I care for, even if they don't want the host that speaks. I can't make others want me. I can, however, try to build friendships on broken glass, per se. She's fragile, and her heart is closed. That doesn't mean she can't learn to trust again. It takes time, dear readers, to build foundations. That long ass Great Wall of China wasn't built in one night. It was built in three I think. Asians are quick slaves. What?
Really though, I love where I am right now. I have a steady job, great friends and a passion to die for. I just lost my stupid phone, which is making writing this a lot harder because my pc is shit and it's all I'm thinking about. I had many things to share with others on there. Now, it's gone, but not from my memory. It's one thing I cherish, my beautiful mind. I'm grateful for the artistic roots my family has passed down to me, and sometimes I feel I'm tarnishing it by writing about dicks, smegma and pussy farting, but it's just another way I express myself. Through goofy and senseless humor. If I could shit and turn it into a gun right now, I would shoot someone with my shitty corn-rocket gun. See? Retarded. I know half the things I say might be useless, but to me nothing anyone says is. We take for granted whats little to us, and yet miss them when they're gone.
If I could take back one thing ever in my entire life, it would be my blind heart. Because I aimlessly follow it. It knows when the time is right, but others may not see that. That's why, for now, I've decided to put some damn chains on the dirty bastard. I will never be cold hearted, or a righteous asshole. But I can forgive and forget. It was about damn time, I did that for myself. I blamed myself for everything. Now, no more. All the bad, my ex, my previous jobs, my so called friends, all but wisps in the wind. Now, if you're reading this and saying how the hell did I become some sapless bastard, well if you truly knew me, you knew that I was always a dickless wimp. This time however, my penis is engorged and I have 90 inch biceps. On my cock.
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