I constantly repeat the phrase, " I am an asshole." This might be true, but I can list a whole lot of problems with myself. It wouldn't take up more than a sentence though. I mean, I'm a bit of these things - I'm shallow, a hypocrite, I'm pessimistic, usually angry and sad, I judge others unfairly and ruthlessly, I lie, I cheat when prompted, I accuse others of problems I do myself, I see the glass half empty, I'm lazy, I'm disturbingly blunt, I'm vain, I swear profusely, I'm racist, I pick fights that never should have started, I argue, I'm stubborn, I yell when I could easily talk, I'm annoying, I have an average penis, I drink, I smoke occasionally, I do drugs on a holiday basis, I've committed crimes, I have skeletons in my closet and backyard, I've broken hearts, I'm shameful, I'm shy, I'm aggressive, I've ruined a somewhat good relationship, I've burned bridges because of my thick head, I've turned my back on others, I've severed ties, I've stolen from friends and family, I've pitied others when I should pity myself for being weak when I boast my glee, I smile when I should be crying and I've kept secrets for far too long. Not that bad eh? I really am an asshole. I know this, not to be proud of it, but to remind myself that I am not perfect. I'm human. But really, how much until human becomes inhuman? I should be behind bars, thinking over my life. I'm probably just being harsh on myself, but this is me, or really, half.
I'm also a very caring person, I try my best to make others smile. I try to make others feel more optimistic about their lives and give as much as possible to my friends and family. I try to be honest to the point where I hurt myself when I lie. I can't really say much more against all the previous accusations of myself, because that would make me a bigger hypocrite. I've considered suicide many times, not recently mind you, but it has crossed my mind over the years. I don't know what to do with myself, and yet I do. I'm a confused human being, someone who has a path set out before him, but chooses to alter it. When should I break and follow that which has been laid out for me? Every day I regret my decisions, and every day I make new ones. I stand by some of what I've done throughout my life, and hide the rest. I can't speak of certain events because they tarnish my name. What name though? I speak of myself as some higher being, this awesome incarnation of god, but really I'm meek. I'm what you would become when you've fallen.
Man I sound like a bitch. I don't know why I say all of this, maybe its to reassure myself? Or it's probably because I want people to know who I really am? I don't even know that answer. I could be your best friend, or I could be that guy you never want to hang out with. A lot of people like me, and even more don't. I love my family, but I can't stand being around them. I love my friends, but I'm too lazy to see them. All I do is work, eat and sleep. When I feel like the day can be seized, I do my best to fill all of the voids. I've cried myself to sleep many times, especially when I remind myself of times that could have been changed if I was a stronger individual. It even hurts to type all of this, especially for the public, because it's my weakest I've been. I'm not in a shitty mood right now, to be honest, I feel great. I just had this inside me and wanted to write it down.
My name is Jean Paul Mallah. I've lived at 4 Needle Firway all my life. I was a bright young kid, aspiring to become great at whatever I decided to do. I was apparently gifted, but chose to be a dumbass. I skipped a lot of classes in school, and smoked weed or drank when given the chance. I've had many crushes on girls, all who turned me down, or didn't acknowledge me. I was always a big kid. I've been made fun of all my life, and really I could turn it around by losing a lot weight but I don't. I don't care. It bugs me for the moment, but I move on. I always think that if I was skinnier, maybe those crushes could have been relationships. But then again, I really truly don't care. I've moved from that point of my life, and work on the now. I tried falling for different women on separate occasions, but fell short because I was too shy. I fell for a girl named Cherice in summer school, whom I thought was awesome. We shared a 3 year relationship which ended miserably, due to my lack of commitment. Not to her, but to myself. I was lazy. She wanted aspiration. I wanted life. What the hell does that even mean?
I've been working since I was 13, never really enjoying a typical teenager lifestyle, or even adulthood. I act like a kid sometimes, but generally I'm too sour for my own good. I should stop acting 42 and act like a 24 year old. I hate clubs because I've barely gone to any. Nobody's ever invited me to one. I've never gotten a phone call from a girl other than my ex. I've had less sex in the last 4 years than a water bottle. My social life is shit. I try to make new friends but generally push them away because I don't want to put my heart on my sleeve anymore. I'm dark. I think too negatively when I should be more positive towards friendships. I carry many burdens on my back because I don't want to see others feel pain. I love too much. Yet, I hate a lot. I don't even know where I'm going with this. Like I said, it's confusing for even me. I doubt this is even a good read, because its making me hate myself more with ever word.
The only sure thing I know about myself is that I love to cook. I want nothing more than to better myself and for my friends and family to be there for me when I finally make a name for myself. I want to make an empire. I want to change. I need to change. Not only for myself, but for the people out there who call me their friend. That word means a lot to me. Someone who doesn't have that many friends. I'm not alone, yet I make myself feel like so. I really want to sum all this up, and say thank you. Thank you for accepting me, all of the bad and the good. If it wasn't for you guys, I would be six feet under right now. That's no joke. I'll say this though, next person I fall in love with, is getting the whole package. I don't care if it sounds mushy. I'm not easy to fall for, and I won't fall easy. I'm built a barrier that made me colder than I've ever been. But I won't deny myself my humanity. I will love. I do love. And I love you guys. On that note, I bid you adieu, and onto my next adventure. Hopefully I find a job soon so I can preoccupy myself instead of thinking of this crap on my birthday. Just hang in there, I have a whole world to show you guys, and I promise, it'll be much bluer than my past.
With love,
Jean Paul Mallah - Monday, August 15th, 2011
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