I've always been a man of faith. Following what was just and right in my heart. A man of morals. I grew up learning of my roots and how I became such a great man. Became the person I was. Never vain, never without compromise. Never without fault. I was the absolute perfect son any father would wish to have. The perfect son any mother would love to give birth to. The perfect sibling to brothers and sisters all over. If there was anyone to look up to, it was me. I would guide people in the right path, I would let them find eternity. I would give them hope in times that others would find darkness. I was the person, that people could count on. I could lead armies, with a wisp of my words. I could gather people to do my will. I could manipulate anything and anyone to my will. I could teach, where knowledge was lost. I could love, when love was blind.
Key part of all of this, everything is past tense.
I say all of this because with time, mistakes and effort, we become flawed. We lose our innocence as children and become the men and women we are today. We never really follow our parents footsteps or follow a guideline specific to our life. We choose what we are. And most of the times, those choices are stupid. Ridiculous. For example, if there was someone you cared for, and wanted them to know that, you would do almost everything in your power to let this happen. Whether you wait, or take action, it will come to light. Even if that person doesn't acknowledge you. Why? Because we feel the need to share our emotions with one another. We feel the need to become powerless in someone's arms. We want to love, when we know we aren't ready. Even though our minds say we are. No one is ready for commitment. Although this could just be my own experiences, I see it as I go through my life. I experience the pain and suffering around me like no other. I also experience the joy and laughter. And that's all we really need.
People don't realize how important it is to laugh. To take things not so seriously. To see the light at the end of the tunnel, even though you're trapped inside. If you want to give up easily, and say your goodbyes, then do so. No one will stop you as it is your decision to make. But know that even though we might not know each other well, I still care. I don't know how to explain why I do, but I do. I know this because I see the trust that people build between friends and family. I see how that trust is always torn. And I know I am guilty of this act as well. But I do my best to confess. My best to judge myself. To make penance. I want you all to know, although we have our hardships, and our shitty times, we still need to reach out. Even to strangers. If we don't talk, if we hide everything within ourselves, we become lonely human beings, able to make the worst of choices. And that sucks. Its unfortunate, but I have been there.
I don't want to write all of this to make myself sound like some sort of martyr. I could care less how you take this post, or how you analyze it. I say all this, and I know there are those who are shaking their heads as they read. "You care too much." I've heard these words too many times, and each time its said, I grow. I grow because I was taught to care. To love. Even though I myself might not find the one that I can share my life with, even though I believe it to be someone when they aren't. I still press on and search for people who need someone, anyone to talk to. I don't consider myself to be a saint either. I just know how it feels to be alone. To feel empty. And I would do anything in my power to prevent that feeling to anyone. I know how it feels to die. To know your end might be near. But even though we're all dying, and we all have our demons, there is still that hope that someday you'll meet someone who tells you to shut the fuck up, get up and live.
So, shut the fuck up, and live. Dumbass.
i get you, brohim.
ReplyDeletei'm reading a novel by Milan Kundera. It's titled, 'The Joke'. So far, there's a guy in Czechoslovakia during socialism, and he's all dapper and whatnot, an intellectual and high enough upon the rung of the ladder.
then one day he makes an off-remark and finds himself at the scorn of his fellow socialists.
now, believing he has done nothing wrong, that it was just a joke, an off-remark, he assumes his friends in the party will vouch for him when the vote comes.
unfortunately, they don't and he gets kicked out of the party. sent to the gulag, or whatnot.
a little while later he recalls this event. he considers the baseness inherent in all people. he recalls how 100/100 hands swung up into the air during his trial, and wonder whether, if the shoe was on the other foot, would his hand have been raised as well?
he wonders, "how could i be the only moral man? why sshould i be the only one to not follow the herd?"
and obviously he wouldn't, couldn't, break away...
and so, how to reconcile the baseness within others and at the same time remark upon the baseness within yourself? how to look at others in scorn, while knowing you are little better?
i don't know what i'm trying to say, but thank you for telling me to live.
you should keep writing. keep writing until all of your words pound at you and cause you a coma.
and when you wake from that coma, then maybe your writing will steal third base.
as far as living goes... fuck bitches, make dough?
i think what really haunts this character, is.. he realizes that out of those 100 hands, at least 10 were his 'friends'. of those 10, 5 were his 'good friends'. out of those 5, 2 were his 'undeniable fucking FRIENDS".
ReplyDeletein the end, they all voted for him to fuck off.
in the end, he would have voted the same.
so he goes through life, and every person he meets, he judges them against this period in his life. he wonder whether they would have raised their hands and expunged him.
nobody passes the test. all would have raised their hands.
and so, how to life?
fuck bitches, get dough?
This post was dope and so true. We all need to just shut the fuck up and live. Great words JP!
ReplyDelete